Why Did I Deconvert?

Original Painting by Val Martens "Becoming"

I had an interesting conversation last week. In the discussion I was asked, why did I deconvert? How could I, always a good girl, good Christian, smart, etc, have chosen to leave Christianity? I knew from young that God loved me, that I was his chosen child, made new, the apple of his eye, etc. But I also knew I had be careful, to not be proud (which comes before a fall), to not trust my heart (which is deceitful above all) and to desire God’s will and not my own. I was a new creature, but still capable of sin. I needed to daily die to myself and be alive in Christ. 

I was taught and believed God is holy and we are sinners. I knew Christ redeemed us and made us worthy. I knew my sin separated me from this Holy God. But also knew nothing can separate me from God.  This seemed to conflict but was somehow true. But I understood, if I was separate from God, it was my fault and never God’s fault. 

Where did I pick up this belief that I was a sinner, couldn’t trust myself and must trust Jesus as my Saviour for everything. Well, that is a basic tenet of Christianity, isn’t it? I heard the Gospel story in Sunday School, Pioneer Girls, youth group, etc. 

It kept going through my mind after our conversation. How could I explain why I left Christianity? We didn’t attend legalistic, ultra conservative churches that were controlling and overtly abusive. My parents didn’t teach or model ultra conservative teaching. God was someone who was good and loving, not condemning me as a child for not being good enough. Yet as I grew, I wanted to be a better Christian. I felt pressure to pray more, read my Bible more and had great sorrow when I didn’t do more. I knew people who modelled lives that were filled with devotion to God, prayer and Bible reading and I wanted that. 

From childhood my desire was to be closer to God. A desire that I spent my life longing for. I eventually decided my full desire wasn’t going to be realized until I died and went to heaven. This world and my sin kept me from perfect closeness with God. Only when I made it to heaven would I be pure and then nothing of my sinful humanity would be left standing between myself and God and I would be complete. I could feel peace and joy as a Christian on earth, but the peace was in knowing I would one day be complete. The God shaped hole in my heart would then be filled. 

I was a voracious reader. I loved books. They were my escape, my passion, my hobby, my love. I read and reread my favourites over and over again. My books weren’t painstakingly edited. I do remember mom reading some first, to be sure they were age appropriate. As a child I avoided books about witchcraft or ones that might be against my faith. I kept to Christian books and when I ran out of those, I read Black Stallion, Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys. When I was a teen I read Grace Livingstone Hill and not Harlequin romances. 

One of the BMA books I remember

The Christian books I read were very influential. I read and reread Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories, In Grandma’s Attic books, Elsie Dinsmore Books, Danny Orlis books and many more.  Lots were prizes from BMA, Bible Memory Association, that I won from memorizing Bible verses. I was competitive and really wanted those books, so learned many. I read and reread them. I haven’t kept many of them, though I am pretty sure if I could go back and find them I would see the teaching that was engrained deeply into me. Girls that made mistakes, also known as sins, repented and then lived good and blessed lives. There were stories of children that sinned and until they repented faced turmoil and heartache until God made it all better, following that change of heart. When they followed their own desires, they would not thrive. Somehow they had to find God's will. Those teachings were deeply embedded into me from young on.

The teachings were Christian. Did I believe them too much? Did I take them too seriously? Did I want the wrong things? My doubts came later in life but all through there were things that didn’t add up, things I noticed but quickly dismissed. Only God could understand, we couldn’t while here on earth, we would understand later. But not to worry, God had it all under control. It was ok that it was above our understanding. 

So why did I leave. Because I was in some way flawed? That I didn’t believe the right things? That I took this too seriously or not seriously enough? Did I want God too much? Too little? Did my parents somehow screw me up? No, I don’t believe any of that, especially the part about my parents. They were not perfect, but they did the best with what they knew and believed. They loved me and raised me well, to be the caring person I am today, a person who isn’t scared to learn and grow and be all I can be. They didn’t want this for me, have no idea how it happened. I don’t want them to feel blame.

Meme that makes me think

I left because I began to see that things didn’t add up. I left because I stopped ignoring the cognitive dissonance and started thinking logically. I struggled with the promise of an eternal life for me who was believing the right things and living the right life but billions of people who didn’t believe like me would burn in hell. Is our whole life here just a test that if we pass we go to heaven and if we fail, we burn? What kind of God created children he would one day burn forever. Why would God send Jesus (also God) to die as a sacrifice to save his own creation from himself, sending them to an eternal hell that he made for them? The belief system fell apart. I don’t need to be a servant of this God to be whole and complete. I can have that now and forever. 

Something to think about. Not my story, but true?

My Christian family and friends seem to want to know why this happened, some as a way to understand me, others to prevent this from happening to themselves or to others they love. But for me, I want to know why it didn’t happen sooner. Why did I keep believing for all those years? Why did my critical thinking take so long to begin? And then there is the question of why did I begin to see and so many others don’t? The only answer I can come up with is that our journeys are different. My journey is right for me including the timing. We believe what we need to believe to cope with life as best we can.

For those who keep believing in God, it seems they need that, for the community, to make sense of evil, to find comfort. That's ok. I am not trying to change them. I am trying to help those who feel alone in their doubts as they are leaving. I needed to believe in God as long as I did probably because my life experiences didn’t give me time to stop and contemplate. When I did have time to think I began the journey out of my faith which took time. As I look back I realize it’s been about seven years since the first doubts I didn’t push aside.  

I am now in a good place now. I like me. I am complete. I am enough, here and now. I don't need to be striving to fill a non existent hole or living up to a perfect God's expectations (or the expectations of the church or other believers). I am free. Free to love others as they are, free to not judge, free to not wonder if other's are going to heaven or hell. I am exploring my own longings and desires. I’m not scared of pride or my own heart. I’m proud of myself. I love getting to know me and all I have to offer. I’m not getting it all right but I am willing to grow and learn as I journey even through mistakes. I have hard days, but I don't beat myself up for them. I'm human and that's simply amazing!

Thanks for reading this. I wish you well on your journey, and that you find true peace, learn to know yourself, and treat both yourself and others with love and compassion. And let's talk! Let me know when you want to meet for coffee :) Edmonton isn't that far away, is it?

Val Martens, March 1, 2024

Next week. Did I have a choice? Could I have stopped this?

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