Deconstruction has been a shocking mix of experiences, feelings, understanding and learning for me. I would love to help you understand what it has been like for me. Perhaps that will help you better understand what you or others you know and love may be going through. If you haven't read my story yet, it can be found here, My Deconstruction Story.
Terrifying
What if I’m wrong? This feeling was very real until it wasn’t. As I began the journey to deconstruct my faith, I wondered what I was doing. How could I be right and so many wrong. I was terrified. Until I realized several things. I wasn’t alone, many have deconstructed and written extensively about their experiences. I realized as I deconstructed the belief in hell, I no longer felt fear of eternal fire. A sense of peace remained, the same feeling I had that God was with me before I deconstructed. While I haven’t done this completely based on feelings, they have become something I have learned to listen to and pay attention to.
Hard work
Deconstruction is hard intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. it would be easier not to deconstruct. Way easier! Change is scary. Studying takes discipline and I had a whole new world to learn about, without the structure of an educational system like seminary to help me. So I had to choose to do the hard work and to continue even when it wasn’t easy.
Exhausting
Along with the hard work comes exhaustion. Changing a religious perspective that has been a part of you for fifty plus years is not for the faint hearted. Many nights I’d sleep exhausted or lay awake trying to make it all sense in my head. The tiredness was deep as I dealt with new emotions, feelings of betrayal, anger, loss and grief, as well as joy, curiosity and exhilaration.
Relief
I don’t have to have it all right or figured out. No longer do I need to find verses to prove my beliefs or reassure my heart. No longer do I need to twist perspective so that things fit into the paradigm Christianity demands. No longer do I need find the answers to the questions the world asks about why sin and death and why do I keep sinning when I don't want to. It is a relief to let that all go and explore life with the rest of humanity full of questions and curiosity and full of love for myself and others.
Freeing
Christianity understands freedom as us not being free to do what we want (we would choose sin), but to align our wants and desires under God’s will and live an obedient life for him. We are free to serve him, to worship him and to love him.
Freedom is defined by Merriam Webster as the quality or state of being free, such as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action, liberation from slavery or the control of another.
See a difference?
What it's been like to deconstruct my faith has been a new way to look at freedom. I have discovered a freedom to think, learn and grow. I have freedom to find love and beauty everywhere and freedom to be all I can be.
Lonely
The journey was many times very lonely yet I’ve discovered I’m not alone. There are lots that just fallen away from their faith without major deconstruction. Lots of people who have studied deconstruction and religious trauma extensively and are willing to share their knowledge. Many who are on the journey are willing to encourage. My husband and children were always willing to have difficult discussions and were willing to listen with open hearts. For that I will always be grateful.
Grief and Loss
I’ve had many feelings of loss in this journey. Christianity had many positives (though one day I’ll discuss some of the dark side of these positives). I miss the community I found in church. People who knew and loved me and were willing to pray for me when needed. I miss the assurance that God is in control and therefore I didn’t need to worry or think deeply about issues. I miss the ability to give the simple pat, prescribed Christian answers that made people feel better, like “God answers prayers”, “God has it under control”, “I’m praying for you”, and more.
I miss deep conversations with some close friends and family who don’t trust me anymore to share their hearts because of my changed beliefs.
Eye-opening
The deconstruction journey has been amazing. I have looked into other faiths like Indigenous beliefs, Jewish, Muslim and more and seen beauty and pieces of the puzzle of humanity and God that Christianity didn’t find. I have found beauty in people that is so overwhelming. I don’t first have to question their belief system or judge their life choices before just enjoying who they are. I see potential in everyone and hope for all to change and become a better version of themselves.
Unsettling
I’ve had so many different views and feelings about God. It was with great joy that I took God out of the Christian box and saw them as bigger and more complete, whole and more full of love and grace, then I ever guessed. A God/Energy/Connection that is in all and through all. At times God seems to be a social construct made to help people make sense of life. God has been politicized, controlled and defined and that God I want nothing to do with. I’ve been angry at God and then wondered what I am angry at anyway. Day by day that can change. I am evolving. My understanding is evolving. My needs evolve. And that is ok. If God is in fact there, my confusion is not what defines God. So I can be confused.
Self-Reflecting
Christianity has a very strong view of how we are to perceive ourselves. We are sinners who need saving, our value, purpose and worth are found in Christ alone. We are precious to God and the apple of his eye because he made us then saved us. Upon deconstruction I discovered I needed reconstruction. Who am I? What is my value? What is my purpose? How have my past teachings affected how I respond to stress and crisis as well as to joy. How does my mental health fit into this new way of looking at life. What is my responsibility when I can longer just pray harder or believe more? Though this part of the journey seemed overwhelming to begin, it soon became liberating and healing.
Paradoxical
I’m okay with the dissonance I find myself in. I don’t know what I believe about God, yet I still pray and find comfort in that practice. I find Christianity to be both dangerous and destructive yet also calming and helpful. I see many Christians I admire greatly and I have no desire to steal their faith from them. I allow them their own journey, yet I also want desperately for them to understand they could be so much more. I want a church yet I want no part of church. Maybe as my journey continues I will find a new spirituality that will be right and fit me well and maybe I never well. That too is ok.
Heartbreaking
I’m going to tell you what this has been like using a word picture. The church in my story represents all of Christianity, God, Jesus and the church. When I was young I saw the church as a beautiful place. The foundation was solid, the walls were strong and the windows brought in beautiful light through gorgeous stained glass panes. Inside were traditions, rituals, prayers and songs that filled our souls. The Bible was front and center with our leaders and the church members. I grew up here in perceived comfort and safety. As I began deconstructing I first saw cracks in the walls, dirty windows and scuffed floors. I got concerned and went to the door. Outside the church was the world, scary and evil. I bravely took a step outside and looked back to the see the church. Instead of strong and invincible it was crumbling and held up by two by fours hurriedly hammered into place in an effort to keep the walls from falling. The whole thing was a facade swaying in the winds. The light shining in was from weak street lights. The leaders worked hard to keep the focus of the believers on them and the Bible but I had looked further. I had seen the truth of the condition of the church. My heart was broken. My beautiful church was a sham. I could never un-see what was now so visible before me. I could never pretend it was real. I left the building to see if what I had been taught about the world outside was also a lie. Time, work and love would heal the wounds that had occurred in the church. Following the heartbreak and grieving comes a beautiful time of discovery and exploration of an amazing world.
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