Do you have questions about my deconstruction? Lots of people have been reading my blogs and they are curious, concerned, alarmed or fascinated by what is going in my life. I have been approached by many sharing their own stories. I am so thankful for those stories, I treasure the stories and the people telling them. People are also asking questions and I thought I would take time today to answer some of these questions in an FAQ format..
1. Why do you talk so publicly about yourself and deconstruction?
I began deconstructing about 5-6 years ago, actually the timing is hard to pin down, the change of thinking began slowly and in the last two to three years it's been very clear to me that I had changed. My friends, family and acquaintances knew me as an evangelical Christian. I no longer saw myself as that and felt like I was living a lie. For a long time I was just not brave enough to share it, and quite frankly, a little worried about what reaction I would get. Eventually the feeling grew that I was being dishonest in keeping quiet. I was feeling depressed more. One of the highest values on my life is integrity and to live a life of integrity, I need to be open and honest about myself. Sharing publicly, though hard, brought relief to that turmoil.
Another reason for sharing about my deconstruction is that I frequently felt alone in the process. I don't want others to feel that, so in sharing my story, I want to be seen as a safe place to talk about the doubts and questions. I welcome all the private messages, coffee times, text and phone conversations. Please feel free to contact to me and tell me what you are thinking. I never want to talk anyone into deconstructing and am perfectly happy to have you stay Christian, though I will gently push back if you are hurting others or yourself with your beliefs and actions. Let's talk.
A third reason is I am enjoying the freedom to figure out what I believe and who I am. Doing it publicly works for me. It's forcing me to keep learning and growing and challenges me to consider carefully the opposing viewpoints. It works for me. Would I recommend it to everyone, not a chance! But it's worth considering.
2. Where's the 'can'?
My last article was titled "How Christianity and the church harm our mental health". Why didn't I call it "How Christianity and the church can harm our mental health" and acknowledge not everyone gets hurt? That would have been easier for people to read. They would have nodded and agree some churches and some people do this wrong, but not us. I want people to think. I want the conversation to happen, if not with me, then with each other. Imagine if every church sat down and had open and honest conversations with everyone about mental health and emotional pain.
I really don't believe the can should be there. In my reading and understanding I see more and more ways that Christianity beliefs are at the core of the problem. Can Christianity be fixed at this deep level. Many would say yes, but at this point, I don't see a way. I, however, have much to learn and don't know what I will believe as time will pass. I am ok with you believing the can should be there. I have many Christian friends and family who I dearly love and they are content and at peace with their faith. I'm not saying leave. I would say think about where harm is being done and work to make positive change.
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3. Are you an atheist?
No. I am neither atheist, not agnostic. This is tough to put into words because in my mind I hear your thoughts...that's all new-age...heresy...etc. But to be vulnerable here, I will say it anyways. This is what I think right now, knowing it will likely evolve. I believe in a LifeSouce, an Energy, Pure Love, that connects all living beings, human and otherwise found in Creation. This LifeSource is where we all began and where we all end. It is in us and why we are spiritual beings. It is more beautiful and amazing than we can imagine. We can call this "God" or whatever works best for us. As we study all the different religions, we learn more about this God, for each religion shows us more and contains pieces of the puzzle to understanding. Since I believe I have this rich LifeSource within me, I can draw on it to bring a spark of joy, creativity, curiosity, connection and wonder to the people and world beyond me.
4. Did you have to deconstruct so far? Do I?
Focus on the Family wrote a pretty good article on deconstruction. I agree with much, but not all of it. I recommend reading this if you are a Christian and want to understand what deconstruction is and what you need to deconstruct. Focus on the Family article.
Many who deconstruct stop at what is frequently called progressive Christianity. I was there and content for quite a long time. You can gladly stop here. Now I would be considered deconverted, no longer a Christian. Please don't feel you have to go there. We all do this differently and stop at different places. Spirituality, in belief and practice is an individual choice. It's also an evolving process. If you are not changing and growing spiritually I would challenge you to ask why and look at how you can grow. I needed to deconstruct this far, but that doesn't mean you have to or will.
Many assume I have deconstructed because I was hurt badly by the church. For me, that has not been the issue. It is not a "few bad Christians" ruining it for everyone, though they certainly ruin it for some! For me it is a theological study which has brought me where I am. My last two churches and pastors especially were great experiences and because of them I stayed as long as I did. But my journey has led me a different understanding.
5. What about the afterlife? aka "What if you're wrong?
I don't believe in hell as a literal place of burning where sinners are sent. There are reasons for that belief and I recommend reading Love Wins by Rob Bell for a start. If you don't believe in dragons, would you fear one will come a burn your house. Of course not. So if I don't believe hell exists, I don't believe I will be sent there. Will there be Heaven? Do I believe in that at least? Well, no, not as defined by Christianity. But I do think there is an afterlife and I am incredibly curious how that will look. I'm a little jealous of those who have died, because now they have the answers and I still have to wait.
For now I am focused on the here and now. Christianity has a strong focus on eternal life or death sometimes to the detriment of the present. The earth will burn so why care for it is a common behaviour. I now care for the earth as it is my home. I must care for the people, creation and world that are now in my life and I do that with joy. The world is a good place filled with resources and meaning and I will fight injustice and greed that bring ruin to this world.
6. Do you miss church?
Yes and no. I do miss the community, I am a social person and enjoyed deeply connecting to people every week. My favourite would be to ask someone how they were doing, and not settle for a pat "fine" but find out how they really were. I miss that part of church. Sometimes I miss just simply believing everything I was taught, not questioning or doubting. It was easier and I fit in. While that was easier, I was not growing and the questions were persistent.
There is much about church I don't miss. I don't miss the sermons or music, the sameness of every service, the exclusiveness of the teaching or the harm it caused mental health. I don't miss comparing myself to others who seemed more spiritual by praying more, tithing more, memorizing more Scripture or worshiping more passionately. I don't miss coming home many Sundays feeling sad that I didn't connect with anyone or that no one seemed to care how I was doing.
I have meaningful friendships and people in my life that I see regularly and I am so grateful for them. I always welcome more friendships and am considering how to expand my community.
7. How can you be right and everyone else be wrong when so many believe?
First of all, I am not the only one who has deconstructed and even deconverted. There are many, many of us. I have found many authors, many former pastors and Christian leaders, many ex-Christians. We don't all believe exactly the same, which is fine. We are not banding together to form a new non-religion. We just have similar stories and like to hear from and learn from each other.
Second, one of the first things I learned in this journey is that religion evolves. Our understanding of God changes. One just needs to look at the Bible to see this change. From the time of Adam to Abraham there was a change of understanding and a beginning of the sacrificial system. From then to Christ and the beginning of the church there was more change. From the time of the early church to now there have been many changes in our understanding. Studying world history and world religions, we can see how belief and practices have changed over the centuries and millennia. Christianity as it is currently understood is not what it was 500 years ago or even 100 years ago. Nor will it be be the same in 50 or 100 or 500 years from now. Interpretation of the Bible changes. Religion evolves and that is not a bad thing. I believe it is evolving now.
Thirdly, when studying world religions I have discovered many religions have adherents that are numbered in the billions and have rich histories, practices, beliefs and traditions. They are rich, beautiful as well as flawed and corrupted as is Christianity. They have many followers who are totally convinced they are the right and true way of understanding. Christianity is not alone in that belief and it is arrogant to say they are right and others wrong.
I am not so arrogant to say I am for sure right and everyone else wrong. Nor will I say I am just ahead of the revolutionary change that is coming for Christianity and you will all eventually believe as I do. But I will say I think I am right and am confident enough to talk about this. I am also willing to be challenged in my thinking and willing to grow and even apologize if I need to one day take some or all this back!
I hope Val's Deconstruction FAQ's have answered some of your concerns or confusion. If you have more questions or just want to talk about what is going on in your life, please contact me. My email is val@validheart.ca or you can private message via messenger or whatever works best for you.
Read My Faith Deconstruction Story here. More articles are found here
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