My Faith Deconstruction Journey

I have deconstructed my faith. After 50+ years of being a Christian, actively serving in church and other ministries, faithful in practices and genuine in belief, I no longer believe in the Christian faith as I have in the past. I’ll stop there for a moment.

Content Warning Precursor...

Many of my real life, 500+ Facebook, Instagram and Twitter friends are Christians. I love these people! They are my friends and family. They are evangelical, fundamental and many are passionate about their faith. If you are one of these and truly at peace with who you are and what you believe, finding comfort in your faith and living a life of love and not hurting others, then please feel free to unfriend or mute me. Not because you don’t love me (I hope), but because hearing what I say will confuse or anger or hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you and will totally understand if you don’t want to hear what I say. Go in peace. If you are a stranger to me, but content in your faith as stated above, feel free to just move on.

But, if you have unsettling doubts about Christianity and church life and struggle with feelings of never being a good enough Christian, or living with fear that your salvation isn’t secure, or wondering how a loving God could send people to hell, then perhaps you want to hear what I have to say.

I want you to know I haven’t come to this place easily. It has been years of processing and studying and yes, even praying. I am thankful for my decision and have a peace in my heart about this.

I am open to conversations, the kind where we listen to each other with love and respect. I am also willing to listen to you if you are on the journey of working through the doubts you’ve been having. I’m not here to persuade you toward unbelief, just to reassure you that you are not alone and help you talk through what is going on. I’m not trying to take anyone away from Christianity, but rather to find peace and understand why that peace may be missing, despite being a good Christian.

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My journey of faith deconstruction...

I was an evangelical Christian for 50+ years. I was the last person you would have expected to leave the faith. I was sincere, genuine, authentic, faithful, loving and serving with all my heart, soul, mind and strength both publicly and privately. I had the gift of faith. Sure I had some doubts and questions, but didn’t everyone? I just trusted more. God was in control and He knew the answers. I would some day know in Heaven and that was good enough for me.

The church was beautiful, not perfect of course, but filled with God’s children and with love. We had strong foundations: a robust statement of faith, a caring community, and most of all, Scriptures we could trust to guide us to truth. We believed together and were part of a worldwide body of believers throughout history and we couldn’t all be wrong. I became an elder and was in that position for about 12 years. I served as moderator of the local church and was active on our provincial denominational board for years as well and a member of the national board. I did some preaching and served in many ways.

But my questions, doubts and concerns kept coming. There was opposition to my leading as a female and I wondered should women lead? Was homosexuality really sin? Why did so many seem to worship the Bible more than God? What’s with all the atonement theories? Which was right, Calvinism or Armenianism? What about pacifism, original sin, hell, salvation…

So I went to seminary. Time to put the doubts to rest. I got highest grades several years, answered some questions, but found many more. I graduated but the weight of uncertainty grew. So I decided to learn more. I picked up the dangerous authors I had been warned against: Rob Bell, Peter Enns, Brian Zahnd, Rachel Held Evans, Brian McClaren and Richard Rohr. I got really excited and a sense of joy and freedom grew. My questions weren’t crazy. I wasn’t the only one thinking them!

I began to see that the Christian world from the inside seemed so strong, so certain, so beautiful and so hopeful. When I changed my perspective and looked at it from the outside, I saw the facade. The foundations were crumbled and weak. The exclusivity and judgement were ugly. People were playing a part but underneath one could see the desperation to hold on, and the grasping tightly of damaging beliefs, when they thought they were proudly holding the truth. People were blindly following, thinking we can’t all be wrong.

Who I am now...

I continue my journey of seeking answers. I have discovered that even with my change in belief about God and faith, I am still the same person. I still have deep peace, it hasn’t inexplicably vanished with my Christian beliefs. I still have the gift of faith, but now I see it as an optimism and belief in love, beauty and goodness that can be found in people, nature and our world. I believe we are all connected to something that is bigger than us though it feels like naming and defining it puts it back in a box. I journey to find my new spirituality.

I also grieve. I lost a set of rules and beliefs that defined a relationship with the God I believed in, I lost connection to my church community. My relationship with some of my family has shifted. I hesitate to reach out to old friends knowing the new me may not be welcome and not wanting to bring them pain and confusion. I also grieve those years I was embedded in Christianity that I lost and I wonder what may have been different. Who would I have become? How could I/we have raised our children better?

I am grateful for who I now am, for what I have learned and how I have grown. For my new identity and the wisdom I have. I am finding new friends. I wonder if I could learn to dance and experience this amazing world in a different way. I’m thankful for my husband, kids and parents who are all on their own journeys, many which parallel mine in many ways. But even when they don’t, they still love, accept and hear me and I know that is not true for all who have deconstructed.

What I do now...

I keep learning about religious trauma, how Christianity is cultlike, how a person's very identity is changed by this faith and how to understand the lasting effects of that. How we need to grieve what we lost. How to find what to do with the spiritual part of ourselves. It is an ongoing journey and I keep learning through reading, listening, studying and observing.

I take care of myself. I paint and sell my paintings, I learn who I was always meant to be, my strengths, skills and talents, my values, my goals, my weaknesses and who I want to become. I love and care for my family and friends as able.

I don’t feel a need to break in and force my truth on those who stay in Christianity. Their faith may be serving them well and they, I strongly hope, aren’t hurting anyone. If I see there is damage being done to vulnerable people I will gently yet firmly speak that truth. This message isn’t being sent to all the Christians I know without a content warning precursor. I love those people and each has a spiritual journey as do I. It’s not up to me to force that journey.

My desire is to help others who are on this journey. To listen with a caring and loving heart to your stories of what faith and church have done for and to you. To help you look at the religious trauma and to find the words to make sense of what that means for you. Then to find a renewed sense of peace, a healthy self identity and healing from the wounds. I am not here to talk you into staying in your faith, or deconstructing your faith. That is your decision alone. I just want you to not feel alone and to have someone safe to talk through what is happening.

I will continue coaching and creating courses and content that will encourage and strengthen others, helping them find their peace. I will continue listening and hearing stories and loving people. I am here to help.