I’ve been thinking this week about how we deal with people who don’t think like us. I was challenged when reading something by an atheist recently. What I took from their words was a challenge to look to everyone, including Christians, as someone who has the potential to teach us something about the world and lead us to a place of compassion and love. This is so much better than trying to change people to think like us.
I find myself at this point in my life, thinking very differently from many people in my life. This is obviously true about religion and God, but also true about things like politics, covid, justice, peace, lifestyle choices, etc. There are definitely some who think like me in these areas, but many who don’t. It's easy to think I should change people and how they think, but that isn't the answer. I can help people understand, but change comes from within, not forced upon anyone.
We are a world full of very different people with different experiences and different perspectives. This leads to the problem of close-minded people who believe they are the one who is right and everyone else is wrong. These people feel obligated to make everyone believe their way which leads to arguments and even violence. The problem is that many Christians are exactly this. I’m finding it also true that there are lots who have deconstructed and/or deconverted who are exactly that as well. They are trying to convince others to believe exactly as they do, essentially deconverting the converted. We need to stop trying to change people.
Since deconverting I find myself excited about my new freedom, my deep peace, my lessening of fear and my joy in this world. I’m excited about what I’ve learned. I want to share and show everyone, especially Christians, what’s possible and what’s different from and wrong with, what we were taught. But if I 'evangelize' away from Christianity, am I any different from those who evangelize towards Christianity? I ask myself, what kind of person do I want to be? Someone who has to have everyone believe as I do, or one who can love and accept all others. We need to stop trying to change people.
My desire is that I recognize and respect that every person is on their own journey and in their own time they can find the truth they need. I can’t change anyone. I don’t need to change anyone. I won’t attempt to convert. Here is where my words matter. I can share my journey and my thoughts but not tell you how you should think.
My plan is to continue to have conversations with those who want to talk about faith and lack of faith. I will respect the wishes of people to not talk about this. I will seek consent before offering views or arguments. Would you like to know how I see things differently? Can we discuss this further? Those are good questions to ask. Helping people understand when they want that is not the same as trying to change people.
Sometimes having conversations about all this gives me anxiety. Not because I think I may be wrong but because I don’t have the words to explain what I’m thinking clearly. Hence the need to write and process this way, it helps me clarify my thoughts. Anxiety shows me that these conversations matter to me. They are important because I care about the person I’m talking to and I care about the person I am.
I want to be a person who will hold my own beliefs and understandings sacred while still being open to learning from others as well as allowing others their own beliefs. I can stop trying to change people. It’s about trusting each other and appreciating each other's journeys. I want to enjoy our differences and see each person as connected. The phrase from Christianity about us all ‘bearing the image of God’ is meaningful to me. Humanity is connected. We may disagree with who or what God is but I see we are all a rich and important ‘image bearer’, complete and connected and here to make the world a better place. My hope is that we all learn how to do that better. If we learn to connect with each other, respect each other, love each other and affirm the value of each us, we will achieve a world that is amazing and be truly at home here.
- Val Martens
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