When I was a Christian, I gave God complete control of me and believed he controlled the world. I was his servant, completely dependent on him, loving and serving him with all my heart, soul, body and mind. I have taken that control back. Now I want to be a free me. I am regaining control after God.
I have been thinking about control. It is human nature to want to control life, to make it more comfortable, secure and predictable. We know we can’t control everything so we work hard to control what we can. I can’t control what happens to me, just how I respond to what happens. I can’t control other people’s actions or responses but I can control mine. I have found it helpful to look at how I used to give my control away and how I still do that at times.
It is apparently God’s nature to completely control everyone and everything. I’ve thought about how I used to give my control to God. It was an exchange, God offers security, peace, joy, eternal life, success and more if we submit, serve and worship him. As a young four or five year I asked forgiveness of all my horrible sins, accepted his forgiveness and became a child of his, to serve him forever.
When you give God control, he is responsible for everything: world events, nature, my jobs, relationships, my gifts and talent, my activities, hopes, desires, dreams, body, soul and mind. Not my will but thine. Don’t worry, God is in control. Have an accident, illness, been abused? God has a plan, he is in control. You don’t understand? It’s ok, God is in control, he has a plan, he is above your understanding, just have faith.
Without God and his control, people are thought to be nothing. Full of evil desires, prideful plans that are destined to fail, full of emotions that will overwhelm, lacking love and compassion which only can come from God. God is the giver of all, the author of all. He controls past, present and future. Without him, you are nothing and doomed, but with his control, which I chose to give him as a young child and for the following 50 years you are everything.
Why did I leave that? I had the reassurance that I didn’t need to control anything, because God was in control. It should have been easy and peaceful. But somehow there was always the desire to be a better servant. I wanted to praise more, worship more, serve more. I wanted to read more Scripture, to study more, to do my devotions. I wanted to be more patient, more joyful, more kind and more loving. I wanted to be more at rest and peace. I wanted to be perfect as he is perfect, to work on my salvation with fear and trembling, to rest in his grace knowing it was enough, to be a better servant. No matter how much I did or how good I was, the desire would always return that I could do better. I owed it to God to do better, after all, he died for me. The sermons were preached saying more faith, more prayer, more giving. Always more.
I was tired. I had unanswered questions and my faith was not enough to ignore the inconsistencies and confusions any longer. I was tired of giving away the control and still not finding certainties or promises fulfilled. As I was nearing that point, I doubled down on prayer, faith and submission. I put aside my questions and tried to just hang on, trusting. But no answers came and nothing changed. I bravely stepped through the veil of belief and opened up my mind to the possibility that all I had believed may be wrong.
I took control of my mind first and with logic and learning, studied again. I learned a new way of thinking. I began to take control of my heart, body and soul as well and discovered a freedom, a lack of striving, and a new joy. I decided to take control of what I believe and don’t believe. I discovered it had always been me, my talents, work and gifts and I discovered I am more than I ever imagined.
There are many days I find myself giving away control again, not to God, but to others. I let the responses of others rule me. Sometimes this is stirred by responses to my blogs and the words I have written. Sometimes by imagined words I think Christians are saying about me. I feel them calling me deceived, a heretic, apostasy, and damned. When I feel I have disappointed others I can let them control me by becoming defensive and shameful or I can let those responses be about you and choose how to respond myself. This may mean admitting I could have said it better, or just leaving it be, knowing you can work through your responses yourself. People can attack and I can choose whether to move aside or stay in the line of fire. If I am wounded I can go and heal or stand up for myself. I have those choices. I have that control.
I ask myself, what kind of person do I want to be? I want to be compassionate, caring, loving, honest, true, real, free, confident, and strong. I never want to be a mouse, hiding, sneaking and voiceless. Who do I find I am? Sometimes the mouse and other times, strong and confident and caring.
How do I want to be treated? Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you are good words to live by. I’m human. I want to control others. I want to stop people from doing evil. I want to show others where I think they are wrong. But more than that, I want to respect other’s choices to believe what they want to believe, just as I want others to respect my choices. I don’t want to be controlled by anyone, other than living under general rules that are good for society. I choose to live under those rules.
I write this blog so I can understand me. I want to understand how to respond to others. I want to figure out where I have given away control and where I try to control others. I struggle some days. I share this because I know that I don’t struggle alone. We can learn from each other. That’s one thing I’ve learned and cherish, that I am not alone in this journey. We journey uniquely but there are others journeying with us. I have received much encouragement from others.
I am finding real rest. Not a gift from God but from giving myself the release. I no longer need to strive or work with fear and trembling or to feel guilt that I don’t do enough for the suffering in the world, to save them. I am not a servant, nor a child. I am a whole person with all I need to learn and grow. It’s different from the endless striving and never succeeding in being a perfect servant, it’s more like a joyful discovery of who I am and the world I live in. Even when the discovery is challenging, it is joyful because it is mine and I am free in it.
I want to be a better me and a free, not controlled, me. Why? I do it for me and for others because I love people. I help others, not for God or for reward or to stay out of hell. I do what I do, not to one day hear the words “well done good and faithful servant” but to make me and my world just a bit better, because I matter and so do you all.
With love,
Val Martens
June 7, 2024
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