Deconversion is a lonely and controversial journey. When I read the book “Leaving the Fold” by Marlene Winell, I immediately felt seen and understood. What a relief it was to read this book. I want to quote you a longish passage from the beginning of the book. Reading this made me want to dig into the contents of the book.
“The problem of religious damage has not received much attention, perhaps because Christianity is so much a part of our culture and real criticism is taboo. Just consider what we have done to so-called heretics throughout history. Religious damage may also seem less serious than other recovery issues such as alcoholism or child abuse. And since faith is thought of as a good thing in a world brimming with materialism, selfishness, and violence, many feel strange when complaining of church attendance or growing up in a religious home.
But leaving your faith is not like letting your library card expire or no longer believing in Santa Claus. It can be shattering to realize that your religion is creating problems in your life. Whether you leave abruptly or drift away over a long period of time, you may experience profound sadness and confusion about what to do, think, and believe. You may also feel the rage of betrayal or struggle with persistent depression.
Many people are reluctant to talk about this subject for fear of hurting loved ones, of alienating others, of appearing foolish and self-centered. They sometimes fear divine retribution. I have known therapists who were afraid to work openly with people on these recovery issues, because they were concerned they might be labeled anti-religious and lose business.
Former religious involvement can itself be a source of embarrassment. People are often shy about discussing it, worried about being thought gullible. They may feel shame much the same way rape victims sometimes do. Yet when the subject does come up, a surprising number of people have a lot to say, relieved that they are not alone.”
(Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, pages 1-2)
So much here resonated with me
“real criticism is taboo”
“faith is thought of as a good thing”
“fear of hurting loved ones”
“worried about being thought gullible”
“They may feel shame”
"relieved that they are not alone"
So much of what this author stated was true of me. I felt seen and understood. This hasn’t happened a lot since I deconverted. I have frequently felt alone and misunderstood.
I know very few people in my life who have chosen the path I have. Some have come part way and a few are as far or further down the path. We are all unique and no two journey the same. Mostly it’s a solitary journey, not completely unsupported, but not totally understood. From others, my journey has been scorned, corrected or rejected.
I am tired. Tired of apologizing for hurting people because of my choices. Tired of thinking that my choices are to blame for your disappointment in me. In reality, your disappointment is about you and what you choose to believe and I will let that go and let it be about you.
I am tired of keeping my new realizations and thoughts hidden when I am free to have a voice and talk about what I want when I want. I will choose to not talk about these things when I don’t feel my voice will be received with love or safety. But sometimes I will speak and risk rejection. For in speaking, I may also receive acceptance and truly unconditional love. And I may help others.
I’m tired of cringing when I think of the gossip that is and has been spread about me and my heresy/apostasy. I know it is shrouded in prayer requests and conversations speculating on how this happened so as to prevent it from happening to others. I’m just going to keep blogging for me and those who I know I am helping. The others make their own choices.
I’m going to keep reading and learning. And I want to highly recommend this book I talked about today. It is a transformative and healing read. If you want to understand me better, give it a chance. Let me know what you think of it.
In conclusion, I am tired but I am ok! I am free and though there are hard and lonely times, I am at peace and getting help for areas where I am struggling. I’m free from Christianity. I blamed myself for not being perfect enough, a better Christian, doing more spiritual disciplines, being someone who doubted or questioned, and someone who didn’t evangelize enough. I’m free from all the expectations put on me by my Christian beliefs, the church, and myself. I’m thankful for my journey and today I am thankful for Marlene Winell who somehow has seen me, written a book for me and taught me so much.
Love to you all,
Val Martens
May 3, 2024
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