What happens if I leave Christianity? Will I change so much I will lose myself? Will life get harder or easier? Will I still pray? What will I need to do? How will I define myself? Is leaving Christianity worth it? You may looking at this journey with lots of questions and fears. When I realized that I was deconverting I had moments of fear and many of shock. Those feelings made me dig in, read and learn which I thought might stop the backsliding. Instead I learned enough to get through the confusion. Some people drift away, others leave with much trauma. Whatever way it happens is ok. I had my journey. You have your journey.
Will I lose myself?
I didn’t lose me. You won’t lose you. Our beliefs change, but not who we are. We were taught that without God we are nothing. So if I leave God behind, will anything remain? Absolutely! I am still the same person. I would still describe myself in the same way that I used to. I am somewhat quiet and gentle, a listener, caring, someone who values peace and love, a person of faith.
Wait. Faith? I always felt that was one of my top spiritual gifts, the gift of faith. Christianity.com says “The spiritual gift of faith is believing the truth, God’s truth. No matter what, whether you receive what you are believing on or not, your confidence cannot be swayed.” According to that definition, I no longer have that gift, and that’s good! However, I still have faith and it’s more like optimism, choosing to believe the best about people, until proven otherwise. It’s my choice to think the car that just cut me off and was speeding ahead did that because maybe their dying child is in the hospital and they need to get there instead of reacting out of anger and calling them all sorts of names and raising my blood pressure. I’ve always been that way (to the annoyance of some people around me) and that gift of faith in the good of people and in beauty around me remains.
My values, goals, morals, skills, abilities, character and personality all remain. I am looking deeply at how I can know myself better, understand my actions, reactions and emotions and how I can find and use my voice. I am working on changing what needs changing but I haven’t lost me and you won’t lose you. We will in fact, find ourselves in a new and amazing way!
Will life get harder or easier?
Both! Life is full of good and bad, hard and easy, beauty and ugliness. That’s what keeps it interesting! Blessings will still come, new babies, falling in love, great meals, a great parking stall, breaks in traffic when you need them. Even healings will still happen, when the medicine works amazingly or a cancer spontaneously goes into remission, these happen to non-Christians too, and always have.
Bad things will still happen, to Christians and non-Christians. No one is always protected from harm. But you and I have resources to handle these things. We are strong, capable and resilient. And when we don’t and can’t, we may fall apart, but we can find help and we can go on. Your mental health stuff will still be there, some of it worse as you go through deconstructing your life. Get help, figure out triggers and coping methods and become a healthier person. I’ll talk more of my journey with this in one of the coming weeks.
Will I still pray?
You can but you don’t have to. I choose to. Prayer is a way for me to express gratitude which enriches my life and those around me. It connects me with those I love as we pray together and it reminds me there is something, a connection to something bigger than me that connects us all. Prayer is also a way of releasing worry. I send my cares and concerns out and choose to not carry them for that time. Releasing the worry is a healthy action. Praying for parking spots, breaks in traffic or lost shoelaces is my way of expressing my needs. Do I expect anything in return for the prayer? No, but I hope for solutions. For me, for now, expressing those requests as a prayer reminds me to express gratitude when I find them and to let it go when I don’t. I guess for me, prayer is talking to myself, the universe and those around me who hear me. I do without expectations and without defining ‘who’ I pray to. It’s a healthy habit that works for me. Do what works for you!
What will I need to do?
There are no rules to follow when leaving Christianity. There are as many ways as there are people. It’s a unique journey and you get to walk it your way as I did my way.
You can drift away.
You can study and learn about what you’re leaving and why.
You can learn a few basics then move on to be all you are meant to be.
You can stay in your church or community and believe what you want. You’re not a hypocrite or liar. You are doing exactly what you need to survive and stay in relationship with people who matter. Do what you need to do.
You can do this fast or slow. Take the time you need.
You can do this privately or publicly.
You can do this alone or with others.
You do you!
How will I define myself?
I know lots of Christian who are struggling with the word Christian because of politics and others who have made the term ugly due to hatred towards others.
Progressive Christian or liberal Christian are terms that may work for you and did for me for quite a while. Atheist or agnostic are terms I am exploring but won't necessarily adopt. I am fascinated by what I am learning about humanism. Lots of these words have negative connotations which come from Christian teachings. I am exploring to see if there are concerns that are valid or if it was all warnings to keep vulnerable Christian’s away from ‘dangerous thinking.’
When it comes down to it, labelling yourself as one thing or another is important only if it matters to you. If it helps you heal and understand yourself better then give yourself a title and own it. If it just adds layers of confusion then don’t. I’m not ready to own any title, though I will say exChristian and Exvangelical do fit.
Is leaving Christianity worth it?
I have really hard days where I wonder why I started this journey, it would have been easier to have kept my blinders on and gone with the status quo of Christianity. I would still be accepted and have a church home. I wouldn't have caused my loved ones pain or confusion. Yet my heart and mind are not doubting what I have learned. The pain and weariness aren't strong enough for me to return, for I can't forget what I now know. Christianity has shown itself as bondage and not the freedom I long for.
So is leaving Christianity worth it? I would say yes! The freedom of my heart, mind, and soul makes leaving Christianity worth it. I can love everyone not fear I will be separated from them one day as they go to hell and me to heaven. I don’t fear or judge their ‘sin’ but enjoy getting to know people and hearing their stories and hearts. I feel more embodied in this earth connected to nature and all people. I’m learning more about who I am and what I have to offer and that it’s ok to fail and learn and try again.
It’s been a hard, exhausting and at times discouraging journey but I don’t regret it. I have sorrow for the hurt and confusion I leave some of my family and friends. They worry I will be in hell and lead others there. For me though, it’s a new world out here, post Christianity, and I am curious and full of awe and wonder at this amazing world. I’m full of gratitude at my freedom to explore and be me.
There are lots more questions to process. Will I find a new community? What do I with friends and family who still believe? Can I just into a different religion, should I? How do I find a new purpose? How do I heal this ache? Why do I keep drifting back to my old pattern of thoughts? Don't quit looking for answers. You are not alone with your questions. Let's talk, message me or email me and we can chat or set up time for a phone call or coffee visit.
Read My Faith Deconstruction Story here. More articles are found here
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