Investigating the Damage of Christianity Part 2
- Val Martens
- Nov 10, 2023
- 10 min read
Dear friends, family and strangers who may be potential friends;
(Please be warned, what lies ahead may be hard to read for Christians.)
I’m doing ok. I just want to assure everyone of that. My journey hasn’t been long this side of deconstruction (a few years) and deconversion (still counting in months). I am sad some days. Angry some days. Even scared and lonely at times. But I also have many days of joy, contentment, excitement and hope. I have support and feel loved and respected by those that matter. A huge thanks to these amazing people.
I said this week I would talk about investigating the damage of Christianity part 2, the personal side. I think what some thought was that this would be my personal story of hurt and pain, but that what was not what I intended. I intend to show how Christianity damages the person, the individual. Last week was our society and world, this week, it is about you and me.
I will share some personal stuff but some will be left for a therapist both for my sake and because I don’t want this to be some object lesson for Christians to look at and point and say “she left for that??!!” and thereby leave me open to ridicule or disdain. While I have chosen to make this public, (which I occasionally regret but more often am proud of doing), I do need to protect myself. I will say again, I personally, did not leave Christianity because of great pain and trauma caused by Christians or the church, I left because I no longer believe. Logic and reason changed me and took me down the path to considering myself ex-Christian.
I don’t feel bitter or resentful toward my parents for how they raised me. They have in the past, and still do, love and support me to the best of their ability even though we now differ in beliefs. I confuse them greatly these days (sorry mom and dad, I love you both). I had a great pastor for many, many years who was kind, humble, genuine and my friend. I don’t have blame for him or, in specifics, the churches I attended. I know many great Christians and consider them my friends. These people would still be good, kind and compassionate people even if they weren’t Christians. I know that. But I see problems at the core of this faith and damage done by it. That is why I’ve written what I have. For you and I to think about.
So how does Christianity damage a person? Consider with me the following 16 reasons as we are investigating the damage of Christianity, part 2.
Christians experience pain and trauma from church leaders and church members. Though this is not my story, it is a story I have heard many, many times. Some have been abused sexually or harassed. Some have been silenced because they dare to think differently. Some are hurt, kicked out or shamed because they are gay or bi or trans. But the most common story is of pain forced on those who are victims, whether from spousal abuse, from controlling leaders, or those struggling with mental health issues like depression. The wounded people are too often victim blamed, wounded further, made to repent and shamed. These stories break my heart. Before you start to think that this can’t possibly happen in your church, don’t be so sure. It can and does happen. Just because you don’t know, even if you are a leader or pastor or been there forever, doesn’t mean you see it all. It can happen in a Sunday school room, small group, in an office between two people or when two members have coffee together. This abuse of the vulnerable and beating on the wounded makes me angry. I’ve been angry about this for years and will never stop being angry at this injustice. Christians are to be known by their love and this is what happens. Many leave Christianity for this reason and while it isn’t my reason, I fully understand it. Is this your story? Have you heard these stories?
Christians can lose themselves. LGBTQ+ people are denied the joy of discovering and living their true being when they are told that part of them is sin. People who are neurodivergent often struggle to fit in and be a ‘good Christian’. Introverts, extroverts, outspoken people, those with strong personalities all get the message they need to conform to the obedient, ‘nice’ person Jesus wants you to be. I have seen many try so hard to find community and support at church, but never fit in or become accepted. Are you someone who knows the pain of not fitting in?
Christians believe they are ‘free in Christ’ but in actuality are slaves to God who demands obedience and worship. They do not experience a real freedom to make their own choices and follow their own desires. The freedom I found post-Christianity showed me what I was missing. Christian try to control. There are many rules that need to be followed and spiritual disciplines to practise. Right from childhood, there is a lack of trust. Children’s errors due to incomplete cognitive, emotional or moral development are not called errors but called sin. Behaviour is linked to flawed nature instead of linked to the needs of child. Obedience is the primary value. The rules and command to obey continue into adulthood and include lists of things to do like church membership and spiritual disciplines as well as what not to do which can include drinking, dancing, swearing, etc. The other damaging side of this is that Christians harshly judge both themselves and others by whether they do enough good or too much bad. What does freedom mean to you? How do you feel about being a slave?
Christians can lack in emotional awareness and expression. Jesus is given the responsibility to meet emotional needs. Intimacy with him is the goal. If a person is sad, turn to Jesus. If a person is angry, give it to Jesus or repent. Emotions are a prompting to turn to Jesus. Negative emotions are to be repented. Positive emotions are suspect as they can lead to depravity. Only the fruit of the spirit are acceptable. The cost is loss of self respect, understanding of self, trust in self, and connection with emotions and yourself. The good thing is it is never too late to learn and discover yourself and your emotions. Do you allow yourself to feel emotions? This is taking time for me.
Christians don’t teach an acceptance of natural bodily functions and sexuality. When masturbation, sexual desires, premarital sex and homosexuality are sins, one is left with much guilt and conflict when natural urges and inclinations arrive. This can lead to a lifetime of guilt, shame and and dysfunction that result in self hatred and self harm as well as hatred and harm to others who portray the “sin”. How is your relationship to your sexuality? Did the purity movement influence you?
Christians limit intellectual reasoning abilities. When science, other religions, culture and other viewpoints are avoided or always shut down one doesn’t learn to critically think. No doubts or questioning are allowed or questions are firmly answered with the Christian perspective. Controlling the information and painting all alternate views as sinful and dangerous leads to an atmosphere of fear and arrogance. A strong, blind faith and willful ignorance are needed. This area was the number one reason for me to leave Christianity. When I found the teachings and beliefs to be illogical, unreasonable, harmful and ethically wrong, I could no longer stay in the faith. Have you found this true for you? How did it harm you?
Christians don’t teach helpful decision making capabilities. To make a decision one is taught to pray for God’s will, read the Bible, and ask other Christians. Christians need to find the one right path, God’s path. You aren’t taught how to make complex choices and how to understand you have a variety of options before you that can all be amazing. After leaving Christianity one needs to learn first how to make good decisions and then how to trust themselves to make those decisions. How do you make decisions?
Christians rarely teach conflict resolution skills. Just pray for patience, humility, and the fruit of the Spirit, forgive and all will be well. If a relationship is difficult, forgive again and again. Bury the self hatred and never hate the other. Victim blaming is frequent especially for the females. Conflict management skills are ignored or downplayed. These can be learned. How have conflicts been handled in your experience? Could learning conflict management help you?
Christians don’t develop confidence in self. Devotion to God is the highest calling. One’s desires and requests can be seen as guilty, selfish or even absurd. Being convinced you are a sinner and guilty from birth leads one to feel you are bad and does untold harm to basic self esteem. These feelings of worthlessness are carried into adulthood. My heart hurts for those still in the faith who never feel like they measure up. The unconditional love they were promised feels very conditional. How is your self confidence?
Christians don’t enhance the ability to relax, enjoy life, enjoy humour, playfulness or eagerness. Being serious about God means hating what he hates, so don’t laugh at that tv show that promotes ungodly behaviour. Laughing can make you feel guilt. If you have free time spend it with God on devotions or in prayer. Work, for that is pleasing to God. Are you able to relax without guilt?
The spiritual/church family are your real brothers and sisters. If your personal family is difficult or abusive that isn’t so important. Nuclear families are not sacred but temporary. Your real family is spiritual and they matter more. When your church family doesn’t accept you or wounds you, the pain is intense. Who is your family? Have you neglected any because you serve God and the church family first?
Christians encourage spiritual bypassing. This means taking a normal physical or emotional issue and giving it a spiritual meaning. For example, if you are depressed it is a satanic attack. Rather than dealing with or getting help for depression, struggles, anxiety and relationship difficulties, Christians are told to pray more or told to repent of sin in their lives. I have seen great pain in people who were prayed for and not healed and told that was their fault. I have seen the pain of people with anxiety or mental illnesses when they try to fix it through prayer and Scripture or told to ignore it and it keeps coming back in debilitating waves. I have seen the pain of people whose loved ones died by suicide and then are told suicide is sin. Have you experienced spiritual bypassing? What areas in your life do you need to work on?
Christians limit a correct understanding of the world. When the world is a dangerous place it becomes a place to be avoided and feared. From wearing makeup to reading Harry Potter, all is suspect and controlled. Guilt and shame are given to those who check into or experiment with what the world offers. What have you missed out on that would have been enjoyable? I was raised without dancing. The churches I attended didn’t allow it or offer it. I miss the joy that dancing could have brought me.
Christians limit self efficacy, the belief that personal efforts pay off. Good comes from God blessing you. If you take credit you have pride which is a sin. Your personal efforts are prone to failure but God can bless you despite yourself. If you struggle, God hasn’t blessed you, or perhaps is punishing you. I am learning now that my personal efforts bring me joy and they do pay off. Even the mistakes teach me and I am encouraged to carry on. Christians can struggle to reach their potential. Serving is the highest honour and Christians can miss out in their careers, education or self improvement because the priority is the church. I wonder sometimes what I would have become had I not been Christian. Who might you have been?
Fear is at the base of Christianity. Fear of going to hell, sinning, end times, Satan and the world are a large part of Christian religion. This can cause anxiety and despair. Learning to recognize this fear, what triggers it and how to cope and heal is necessary. What fears have you carried?
Christianity’s insistence on being the only right way makes them miss out on the beauty and amazing teachings of other religions and limits how they can love and appreciate friendships with people of other faiths. When witnessing is focus, deep friendships can rarely if ever thrive. The harm of this is less easily noticed but is real. Post-Christianity I have learned much and gained friendships I treasure.
As you can see, I have found that Christianity as a belief and practice, harms the individual in how they perceive themselves and the world around them and in how they have been treated by other Christians. The teachings as well as the church cause the harm. This list is not exhaustive. To some of you that read this, this list will seem unnecessarily harsh and not fair by not considering the good the faith and church do. This doesn’t happen or is overstated according to your understanding and insight. I hear you. I was you. I didn’t see it before either. Even to those who deconstruct this may be harsh. To those who have deconverted it may not be harsh enough.
What else can I say? This is what I see. This is what I have heard from others who have left the faith. This is what I have heard from many of you who have shared with me, whether you have left the church or not. There is pain and wounding in me and in you. We can investigate it in order to bring healing or we can ignore it, but there will be consequences. Healing is beautiful. Talking about our stories heals shame and clears up confusion. That gives so much hope!
Val Martens, Nov. 10, 2023
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