Some days I feel I have been out of Christianity for a very long time, other days I feel like it was last week that I still believed and that I have such a long way to go to figure out life post Christianity. Some days are easy and others full of confusion. That’s the thing about change and grief, the need to process and the pain comes in waves. At times the waves are large and overwhelming, especially at the beginning, but as the storm begins to fade, the waves become smaller and further apart. There may be rogue waves but you learn coping skills so you can stay above the water and keep breathing. Some people deconstruct and deconvert without all this grief and pain, and I am thankful for that for you. We are all unique with different journeys. My reconstruction is in progress and this writing reflects what I have learned, what I have heard from others and my musings on how to move forward. Reconstruction is about finding how to become a connected, emotionally and spiritually healthy person without religion. It is about healing and finding freedom.
Let’s talk today about how to reconstruct after deconversion. If you have deconverted and consider yourself an exChristian, you have likely being learning and thinking about why Christianity isn’t real and right for you. We have to understand what we used to believe and how that may have been harmful to us. For example, being taught you are a sinner and must depend on God for everything, may leave you unable to trust yourself to be wise and skilled enough to make decisions and live a good life now that you don’t believe in that God. A good book to read about this if “Leaving the Fold” by Marlene Winell.
As we begin to understand what our needs are and how religion filled those needs then how we may have been addicted to our religion, we can then begin to see how we can need to be set free from religion. We have to learn that those needs can be filled in other ways. For example, in Christianity, my need for belonging was met. As long as I believed what everyone else did, I fit in and belonged to this big family of believers. I now find belonging with lots of different groups of people, a community of artists, groups of people who have also left the faith, and with friends and family who love me. As I rework my needs, I am willing to let go of a dependency on religion and to love and care for myself.
Learning to love and care for myself is an important step in reconstruction. I worked on confidence in myself and my skills, intuition, knowledge and character. I learned what it meant to find personal maturity and personal responsibility. Self efficacy (the belief that personal efforts pay off) is still a work in progress. As we learn to know our inner resources of wisdom, strength, love, capability and compassion we can listen to our inner voice and find our value and purpose.
You and I may find that we have unresolved trauma and religious abuse that need looking at. We may find we are stuck in chronic anxiety, guilt or shame, depression, low self esteem, distrust or aversion to certain people or authority, anger and bitterness, sexual difficulties, or feel isolated. If this is happening for you, then seeking help from someone qualified to talk about religious trauma would be very beneficial. We need to move toward our trauma with curiosity, compassion and love and with the help of safe people.
As Christian’s, emotions were frequently distrusted and repressed. Anger was threatening and sadness or sorrow meant you weren’t trusting God or finding the joy of the Lord. So these were hidden or we would feel guilty for feeling them. Learning now to feel, process and express these emotions is part of reconstruction. I struggle with how to express both emotions and thoughts in a healthy way after a lifetime of repressing emotions. It is an ongoing learning journey. We can all remake ourselves to become emotionally healthy mature and responsible adults.
It has been both a journey and a joy to learn to not disdain the “heathen” or the “world” and those who disagree with us. I have discovered that all people are worth knowing and loving and that everyone has beauty. Life is full of variety. Abundant joy and deep sorrow. It’s full of imperfect people and imperfect relationships. Not all days are good but some days are amazing. Life doesn’t need to be happy all the time. I can participate fully in the drama of life and walk with others through good and bad, sharing life together. I can share the richness in me, the love, compassion, curiousity and creativity to bring a spark of joy and wonder to myself and others.
Some of the activities that help people heal and help us live rich and meaningful lives include singing, dancing, chanting, drumming, meditating, baking, prayer beads, monuments, art and creativity. For me painting is a prime activity that brings healing and makes my life rich. What do you do that brings you comfort and helps you know who you are? Is it sharing family recipes, stories telling, special jewelry, gardening or crafts? These are ways we can connect with ourselves and with others.
Another part of reconstruction is accepting and learning about our spiritual side. We can be spiritual people without a religion. Some find a new religion or a different form of Christianity that brings them connection, purpose and comfort and that is ok too. For me, spirituality is found in connecting with nature, being in the mountains specifically. I can also find spiritual connection in sunsets, the softness and purr of a cat and the beauty of flowers. Reading and learning about other people’s faith traditions and practices is helpful too. Learning about the indigenous faith for me has been amazing and helped me grow.
As I reconstruct, I am more connected to this earth as my home. I no longer believe it will burn and that my home is far away in heaven. I believe this world is a good place full of resources, full of meaning and full of promise. I want to care for it and for every person here because we all matter. My hope is that your move toward reconstruction is a positive and joyful time remaking yourself into the person you want to be, the person who has much to offer this beautiful world.
by Val Martens
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