I am a parent of three adult children. I also have parents who are alive and in my life. I have siblings I love as well as many, many uncles, aunts and cousins. We don't all agree. In fact, my deconstruction journey is a major difference between many of us. It is important to me that even though we may disagree, we listen and learn from each other. In my role as coach/mentor at a Christian university, I discovered that many students felt unheard by their parents who were trying desperately to control their now adult children. How do we deal with differences between family members?
Remember the days when you were young or when your kids would chatter on and on about toy cars or dolls or what their pet did. The parents just had to listen, then nod and say uh huh, yup, and oh my, in the right places. Those were good days, though at the moment mom or dad were not sure they wanted to hear another word about the red car. Kids needed to be heard, to find their world fascinating which showed them they were fascinating and had value. Sometimes I, as a parent, did that well, other times not so much.
With adult children, it takes more effort to hear about their world. It isn’t always freely offered. But I want to know. As a parent, I care and I love to hear. I want to know that they value me and when they tell me about their world, I feel valued. When I tell my parents about my world and they listen well, I feel valued, and I know they feel valued too. When we hear each other, we exchange the commodity of value and it makes our world richer.
We have to be careful not to assume we know what our family members think. Even if it is about something we have agreed with in the past and now differ in our opinions, we need to hear each other out. Ask frequently, what do you think about that? As adults grow and change, thinking changes as well. We can learn from them about politics, religion, economic issues and more. We don’t have to agree, but a civil exchange of ideas will build trust between people. Keep yourself open to learning from them. They come from a different generation that has a different view of life and a different pool of information that we don’t necessarily have normal access to. So listen to them. Learn from them.
It is easy to feel threatened when new thinking threatens or challenges what you have taught them or been taught by them all along. This is true in many areas, but one area I see much friction comes with spiritual beliefs. If children take a progressive view of faith and the parents hold a conservative, fundamental view, the parent may fear for the very soul of their child. This is true if this is evangelical Christianity, Roman Catholicism, Islam, or any other faith. Parents may also feel attacked when everything they have held sacred and taught their children diligently is being dismantled or even accused of being cultic or abusive.
How does a parent or child handle these differences? If your faith is strong and you believe you are right, listen to them. Hear them out. If your faith has doubts, listen to them. Hear them out. Remember that the God that you love, loves them more. God can and will guide their journey and yours. Have faith that these journeys, though they may seem to be taking very different paths, will come together again, however that may look. If you choose to push your faith on them and judge them, the relationship will be weakened and perhaps severed. You can agree to disagree and remain close. If you are the one who has deconstructed and no longer believe in the God you taught them, understand they are on their own journey and walking with them, listening non-judgementally and loving them is what is needed.
My parents do not agree with my deconstruction journey and I know I have hurt and worried them. Sometimes I pull back and don't talk about what is going so as not to further concern them or not wanting to hear the responses. However, I know I need to work hard to keep sharing my life as much as possible so they feel a part of it and valued. I work to listen to their thoughts with respect and care, sharing my own views in the same way. I don't need to change them or be changed by them, just love them well.
Along with religion, other major differences that come between family members may include mental health, gender and sexuality. When it comes to our family member's mental health, it is especially critical that we listen and not judge, dismiss or give advice. There is a good chance we don’t understand. We must be willing to listen and learn, from them, and from others. If a loved one says I have OCD, depression, anxiety attacks, previously undiagnosed ADHD, or anything else, don’t assume you know what those mean. Listen and learn from your child. Then study it yourself, not so that you will be an expert and cure them, but so that you will understand them better, feel more love for them and know what not to say. You can learn from courses, books, talking to a counsellor, therapist or MD.
Be an advocate for your family member and offer meaningful support. Your loved one is not struggling for attention, they are asking for support and understanding. They are not asking for advice, or if they are, you can admit you don’t know and then help them get help. Mental illness is real. Anxiety is real. Depression is real. But there is help. Therapy, coping skills, medications and more are available. Listen and offer support.
The same is true if your loved one comes to you to talk about their gender or sexual orientation. Listen. Support. Accept. If they are excited about it, show them you are too, even if you are just excited to see them happy and not yet sure that what they are excited about it is good. Ask them to teach you what that means. Learn more on your own. Be on their side. They have struggled alone with this and are likely scared and nervous to let you know. Don’t let them down with judgment or dismissal. Show them unconditional love. If you are struggling with whether it is a sin, as many have been taught, there are many excellent books that help you understand there is a legitimate way of accepting this. Unclobber by Colby Martin is a good place to start if you are Christian.
When one of my children came out as LGBTQ2S+, I had lots to learn. There was new terminology and new ways of thinking that I needed to navigate. I could rejoice with them that they were learning more about who they are and the more I learn about them, the more I love them.
Another aspect of listening is that your loved one may have something to say about you. We need to listen to that. One of my children is great at catching when my comments shows intolerance, racism or misunderstanding of others. My first reaction is often negative, who are they to tell me what is wrong! I am the parent here. Then a deep breath and a realization that they are right follows. I sometimes speak unkindly and unfiltered. I can then agree, thank them and start to work on the correcting of my own thoughts.
Our kids can also have insights into our parenting and ways of communicating. Mom, why are you always interrupting? shows us we are not listening well. I can’t tell you mom, because you always tell your siblings or mine and I don’t want them to know. Listen to their comments, see what the truth is in those words. Be willing to ask for their advice and perspective. It can be very valuable.
Listening to our family members is critical for good relationship. We don't have to agree with them. They don't have to agree with us. But let's learn from each other and love each other well.
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