The whole idea of choice when it comes to deconstructing faith and deconverting is an interesting one. Do people have a choice about deconverting? Could they have stopped the process? Could they just have not started the process? What about me? Did I have a choice to deconvert?
This journey of deconstructing or deconverting is very hard. Would people leave if they knew they would lose their faith community, that they would be almost alone amongst their many Christian friends or known how much they would hurt their family? Everyone is different. Some who have left Christianity left knowing all that. Others didn’t. I know some who did stop the process, choosing to believe God and have faith and choosing to ignore the unanswered questions and doubts. They did that for their own reasons and I respect that.
I’m a visual person so I made a chart of how people’s journeys may have gone. These are generalizations and there may be areas totally missed. You and your loved ones may, however, fit somewhere in these circles.
The blue circles are where Christians start. They may fit into one of the categories of "super" Christian, "regular" Christian or "adjacent" Christian. When confronted with information or experiences that do not fit the Christian viewpoint they can make choices. These are represented by the green circles: Dig in deeper, openminded search, run away, drift away, or carry on. Sometimes the choice is deliberate, other times it may be the only option they see possible. From there, the orange circles represent where they can go. They can deconvert, leaving the faith completely, deconstruct, redefining the faith or classify themselves as not religious without looking deeper. A scarce few may return to faith (I know of only one). Again, sometimes the choice is clear and other times it may feel like a landslide taking you to a place you have no choice but to go. Our journeys continue and we have options. The great thing about being human is we can explore different possibilities. Interesting point, those who deconvert were often the ‘super’ Christians, fully committed and active believers.
I would like to look at my own journey in a bit more detail and see where I had choices and where I didn’t. Did I have a choice to deconvert?
As a child, all the information I was given revolved around Christianity. It was delivered by everyone around me, parents, friends, family, books, and clubs. My teachers may or may not have been Christian but I felt very little challenge to the faith before me. Do children have choice? Unless they have more information then one, there really is no choice. A child wants to please their parents and those around them. There is little to no choice. When they become youth, some will question, rebel or leave. I never did, remaining the 'good Christian girl.'
Let’s look at an alternate reality. If I had been born in India, I might be a Hindu, surrounded by family and a community that were all Hindu. If I was born in Saudi Arabia I’d likely be a Muslim. If I was born in Ancient Greece I may have worshipped Zeus or been a Zoroastrian if born in ancient Persia. Would I have had a choice? No. That’s all I would have known. Children have little choice, nor do they have the capacity for cognitive understanding of bias, dissonance, logic or reason. They follow what they see and those they love. They are indoctrinated into their faith.
For most of my adulthood I stayed immersed in Christianity. My idea of correct Christianity included several denominations, who believed in an evangelical, fundamental Christianity and the same basic beliefs about Jesus. I became more deeply engrained through Bible School, Bible studies, the books I read and influences I allowed. I chose to avoid alternate views and people like Oprah, Rob Bell or Brian McLaren so I wouldn’t be led astray. I had been warned they had dangerous and heretical thoughts. Any little doubts or questions that would come I would push away. That way they stayed little. I committed myself to submission, prayer, devotions, and Bible study. My choice was to be faithful. I stayed selectively and willfully ignorant of any other options. I was able to become a leader and influenced many.
Many Christian adults stay in this place. It is known, safe, and comfortable. Some immerse themselves in churches and are fervent and active believers and even leaders. Some are less fervent, more Sunday Christian’s, but they too have no desire to change. You can choose to not explore other options and stay here for a long time, even for all your life. Others leave at this point because they have been abused, hurt, controlled and manipulated and they have had enough. They leave and never look back. Or, they find a new way to look at God, choosing to deconstruct but not deconvert.
Around 3-4 years ago my questions and doubts became more persistent. I began listening to the stories of hurting Christians and others around me. I got to know some amazing LGBTQ2s+ individuals as well as people of other faiths. I studied the Bible and didn’t find answers. I began to recognize some cognitive dissonance and biases that I was holding based on my narrow world view.
Here I suppose I had a choice. I could push this all away and pretend I didn’t have these doubts. But wouldn’t God know I was faking it? And how could I live with myself? I prayed and dug into scripture trying to stay Christian but the questions grew. It was like a slow moving but inescapable tsunami that engulfed me. I was carried by this wave of desire to learn and find answers and a return to the peace I was losing.
I questioned why women couldn’t be in leadership, why homosexuality was considered a sin, whether there was a hell, what was the Bible actually and was it ok for us to judge others. I began to read Pete Enns, Rachel Held Evans, Brian Zahnd and many others. Eventually I read more radical ideas from Dan Barker and others. I learned more and I couldn’t unlearn what I now knew. I couldn’t stop and didn’t want to stop. Somewhere I passed the point of no return. I could not and would not go back. I had new and exciting information that was leading me to a new space, that was leading me to freedom and healing.
As I look back, the only choice would have been to ignore my questions 3 years ago, to stay quiet in church with my eyes down. To have not read or learned and not even to have studied my Bible more. That’s the only thing that would have kept me from leaving. I would have had to live a lie. But in order to be true to myself, to be authentic in my search for truth and peace I had to continue the journey.
I was losing my Christian peace, which was sporadic at best, and had I made the choice to keep Christian, I believe I would have lost myself completely. Instead I have found so much more than I ever imagined. I have freedom. Freedom to love, learn, grow, and to think. Freedom to not judge. Freedom from submission, rules and control. Freedom to fight abuse and injustice. Freedom to really care for others. I love this freedom. With it comes peace and joy.
In answer to the question, did I have a choice to deconvert, I don’t feel like I had any good options to stay where I was as a Christian. I had to follow my journey. Decisions are made as we compare one option against another using the information and experiences we have. We can look at consequences of our choices, authority figures, as well as how much energy it will take to learn and how much emotional energy it will take to make changes and overcome obstacles. Those all play a part in what we do with the choices before us.
Whether you are consumed by the tsunami that carries you or you take deliberate thought through choices or a combination of the two it is ok! It is your journey that is right for you. Enjoy!
Val Martens, March 8, 2024
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