(Trigger warning for Christians...this may be hard to read. You can choose to not read it.)
The church says “all are welcome”. They are supposed to be a place of family, unconditional love, caring and safe community, yet for so many that is not the case. I know from many conversations in my 50+ years in churches, that many of the people in the pews don’t feel welcomed and loved, or find a sense of community or connection to God or people. Most of those people feel they have failed at being a Christian but Christianity and churches fail people.
Who are the Christians that do fit in? They are lovely, well-spoken and in a family. They are outgoing enough but not too outgoing. They serve lovingly and are in a great small group where they have friends. Their kids are great and they all love the church. They love Jesus and join teams at church. They feel connected, safe and loved. They are Christians who really are good at being Christian. They lead prayer, read the Bible faithfully, they worship beautifully, they sometimes are prophets or speak in tongues, they lead Bible studies and they understand holiness yet maintain a humble attitude. Those are the ones with great stories of healing and God’s provision.
But for many church doesn’t work. It seems they aren’t good enough, faithful enough, don’t pray enough or aren’t holy enough. Perhaps they have ‘sinned’, had premarital sex or aren’t straight and that has led them to be judged, shamed and put aside. They don’t fit the ‘Christian’ mold. They are single or introverted or childless or another colour or race or too old or poor or have mental health challenges. Perhaps they question more or think differently or are more scientific or don’t like loud music or big crowds, or have a disability. Some are victims of abuse or harassment in the church and haven’t been believed. For whatever reason, they just don’t fit the mold or the church culture.
These people feel pain. They are sad, alone, ignored and just not enough. Some look like the ‘good Christian’s’, but wonder when people will see it is a mask. They feel the pain of trying to be close to God, to pray more and read the Bible and serve but there is silence and a lack of connection both to God and others followed by shame and guilt . Even pastors and leaders may find themselves in this place.
Many in the church try to welcome and include the outsiders and for a few it works. Others may be labelled “extra grace required” and perhaps avoided. Some people are more challenging, but in a church where “all are welcome” why do so many not feel welcome or accepted. Leaders, pastors and elder teams frequently discuss how to welcome people but the problem never gets solved. I remember sitting at leadership team meetings where again we would talk about what to do with those who felt alone or unwelcome and we would try this or that. Greeters, newcomer lunches, the buddy system, and always praying for wisdom and help, but the issue always remained. It wasn’t that we didn’t care, we just couldn’t solve the problems.
Expectations at church are high. These are Christians who are called to love, but at the same time a place where sin and failure aren’t embraced. Grace and forgiveness are granted at the same time change and better behaviour is required. Volunteers are badly needed and you better be a member and tithing. There is a need to be baptized the right way and you really do need believe the right creed. If not, there will be exclusion. So many people don’t fit the church requirements though 'all are welcome'.
Christians try to do well, to love all and include everyone. Most mean well, yet the problem persists in every church. People don’t fit in. So they try another church. And another. They continue feeling like they just can’t get it right or find the right place. If you try too many churches, then it's you...not the churches. Ouch! I have said in my writings that if you choose to stay a Christian, please do so as long as it brings you peace and you aren’t hurting others. Now, I urge you to please take a deep look at people who are hurting in your own families and churches. Consider how you can love them, not convert or change them, just love them.
So many leave the church. Some feel like they have failed at Christianity. They feel they can’t even do that right. God and the church were supposed to heal their pain but they have only brought them more pain and added guilt and shame. For those people my heart breaks. I want them to know it isn’t them. There is something at the core of Christianity that doesn’t work. If this is you, I want you to know that you are enough. You are amazing and worth knowing. You have value and potential! You didn’t fail, Christianity and the church failed you. Churches, I would say to you that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never get it right. Christianity doesn’t work and churches fail people.
That sounds harsh. Why would I say this? Matt 7:16-20, NIV says "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." This passage is about false prophets, but what if we turn it on the church and Christianity? While there are individual Christians who bear some good fruit, and churches that bear some good fruit, why are there so many hurting, rejected, struggling people within the very place that should produce healing and love? Why do churches have infighting, church splits and scandals? This is not good fruit. There is something at the core that doesn't work.
I’ve been writing about why I see Christianity as a religion doesn’t work for the last 13 weeks and I’m not done writing yet. Deconstructing has helped me understand what the issues are. Deconverting is where my understanding has left me. I haven’t been able to sneak quietly away because I know how many are still in church and hurting, wondering where the healing is and where the acceptance and community they long for are hiding. And worst of all, they think they are at fault. I want to assure you there is healing, acceptance and community outside of Christianity and the church. Don’t give up looking. You are loved and you are enough.
-Val Martens
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