It's my Blogiversary! It has been a year since I started sharing my journey out of Christianity on my blog. It's been a year of processing my concerns about Christianity and the harm it does. It’s been a year of changing relationships. Some friendships have drifted apart. Some friendships have become much closer as we have been able to talk deeply about things that really matter. I am the same as I was and also much different than I was a year ago.
I would like to express my gratitude to those who have taken the time to read my writings and accompany me on my journey. While some of my blog posts may have come across as critical and judgmental, and others as meandering and unclear, my intention was for all of them to convey a message of love and empathy to every reader, regardless of their beliefs. My aim was to encourage everyone to reflect on their beliefs, actions, and motivations through my words.
There are two things, somewhat unrelated, that I want to talk about today. I want to talk about Christianity as my Legacy and as my Addiction. Should I feel shame in stepping away from my heritage? Was I addicted to Christianity?
Christianity as My Legacy
I have been assisting my parents in preparing for a move, which includes downsizing and going through numerous memories. While doing so, I have been reflecting on the "legacy of faith" that has been inherited from both sides of my family. Among the items are Bibles, devotional books, letters containing verses and prayers, and various reminders of the Christian faith that has been handed down through my Mennonite background.
There is a part of me that wondered, do I need to be ashamed and guilt ridden over stopping this heritage? Am I betraying my family? Then I looked deeper. I saw a heritage of amazing men and women who were kind and loving. People who passionately held to their beliefs. People who were resilient in tough times. Parents, uncles and aunts, grandparents and cousins who have shown love and compassion.
My family possesses remarkable qualities that I aspire to embody. I aim to be resilient, brave, dedicated to my beliefs, affectionate, empathetic, generous, and nurturing, just like them. Would their exceptional traits still exist if they were brought up in a different faith, such as Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, or without any religious affiliation? I believe so!
Not all of my family members are flawless. Some have engaged in negative behavior. It's intriguing to note that regardless of the religious upbringing, individuals continue to grapple with issues like greed, abuse, power struggles, and more. While some mistakes are acknowledged and forgiven, others are concealed. People will be people, and even adherence to Christian beliefs doesn't ensure flawless, loving conduct.
I can see myself in many of my relatives. We have similar passions and the strength to buck tradition and stand up for the oppressed. We have a desire to love and have compassion. I am proud to come from this amazing group of people. I am thankful for what they have modelled and taught me. I may not now agree with their choice of faith but that doesn’t mean that I am not thankful for the legacy behind me. I am also thankful for the love they still have for me.
Christianity as My Addiction
I abstain from alcohol and have never consumed it because I find the smell unpleasant and have no real desire to acquire a taste for it. However, I have learned about the struggles faced by individuals dealing with alcohol addiction. This dependency can dominate one's life, influencing the addicts actions, behaviour, and mental well-being. It reminds me of my own experience with religion, which I was deeply immersed in for most of my life. Religion can be considered a socially acceptable addiction, often viewed as harmless and only potentially dangerous in extreme cases. For me, church was like a bar where I indulged heavily, enjoying the service as a gathering place where we supported and reinforced each other's addiction.
My addiction to Christianity filled my needs. It helped me cope with emotional wounds, gave answers and most importantly, kept me from needing to think of my own solutions to life’s confusions. I just needed to turn to God, to prayer, to Scripture and to fellow believers for answers. It even tasted good. “O taste and see that the Lord is good.” The harder things got, the more I turned to faith. Christianity controlled my life and my behaviour.
I began to see both inconsistencies and damage and pulled away from Christianity. The more I learned, the more concerned I became about it. I was concerned about the damage done to me and how it is damaging others. I saw the damage done to the indigenous in the name of Christ, damage to those abused by leaders in the church, damage done to those struggling with mental health issues or the LGBTQ2a+, damage to the lonely and scared, to those who just couldn’t be good enough at spoken and unspoken Christian expectations and to those who wait hopelessly for the promises to be fulfilled.
Christianity, like alcohol, shielded me from me from the cause of the pain. You feel what you are addicted is helping you when really, it causes wounds. Christianity was a hidden poison like alcohol, damaging my insides. Some will be damaged more than others but all are drinking poison. Many seem unaffected by anything negative, like the social drinkers, who seem to handle the alcohol. But is there damage being done behind the masks we are shown? Could it be that pastors, elders, worship leaders and those in the pews are all searching for and longing for more from God and the church and hurting because they still are not finding it? Do they then feel guilt and shame and work to try harder, to drink more deeply from Christianity to fill that hole? I had been drinking more and more to fill my needs, serving more and giving more, without relief.
My journey of reducing my consumption of Christianity began by changing my beliefs and deconstructing my faith. Eventually, I decided to quit completely. It was more effective to reject religion altogether rather than constantly searching for the right path. Finding healing, freedom, and self-discovery without the constraints of religion has been a smoother process. Although detoxing was challenging, the rewards have been worth it. I have relied on help and support throughout this past year, which has been crucial.
Since stepping away, I have experienced withdrawal symptoms and persistent cravings. I have missed the sense of community, acceptance, respect, and understanding that I once had, as well as the belief in God who controlled my thoughts and behaviours. Adapting to a new worldview outside of this addiction has been a steep learning curve. I have had to explore and learn to trust myself and learn a vastly different perspective on the world.
I currently experience a heightened sense of mental clarity and alertness. I can approach situations with careful consideration. I am no longer anxious about contradictory thoughts challenging my core beliefs. I am open to learning from others without trying to fit them into predetermined Biblical categories. I can show love to everyone without passing judgment.
I don’t want to replace my addiction to Christianity with another addiction. Therefore I have not dived into atheism or any other religion. My goal is not to replace one belief system with another. I am still finding out what it means to a spiritual person. One can be spiritual without being religious, which means still deeply experiencing awe, connection and seeing beauty in and around me.
This analogy certainly has holes and weaknesses. I don’t mean to undermine the struggles of an alcoholic. It feels like an apt comparison in my own life. I find the following statements to be true.
No one needs alcohol or religion to live abundantly.
We have clearer minds without them.
They can and do cause damage.
Closing thoughts.
I have been pondering whether to keep sharing my thoughts here. At times, the content feels scattered and unfinished, while other times it appears repetitive. I am uncertain about continuing. Should I continue sharing or not? Is one year's worth sufficient? Time will tell.
I have loved this year. I feel alive and awake and have, with amazing help, been finding healing from religious trauma and abuse. It’s ongoing. What I look forward to in the year ahead is finding more friends, connecting with others and learning more about myself and the world around me.
I wish that for all of you as well.
With love,
Val Martens
June 14, 2024
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