I’m excited for Christmas this year. I’m more excited and more ready emotionally than I have been in years past. Though my views on faith have changed, my views on family, love and caring have grown stronger. There’s also an inner conflict that is gone since I have become an ExChristian. This week I contemplate Christmas.
I have some beautiful Christmas memories. My mom would sew us amazing Christmas dresses, I sometimes matched my younger sister. We’d spend time with cousins I didn’t get to see very often. We went to church, ate food we only got at Christmas and enjoyed time together.
A favourite memory is visiting my extended families. I had three amazing grandparents in my life. I loved my grandpa Klassen. He would create and collect unique, artistic items like models, driftwood carvings or decorated wooden boxes and put them in a treasure chest. His grandkids would take turns choosing from the chest. One year I got to choose first and picked an amazing ship which I still treasure. I felt treasured, loved and seen by Grandpa.
Christmas Eve was our special family time. We would go to church for the early service then come home, eat appetizers for our meal then gather in the living room. We would sing a carol then dad would read the Christmas story from Luke 2 and he would pray. We could then open all the enticingly wrapped gifts. There was always a book included for each of us. We’d stay up late examining them all and starting our books. The next morning we could sleep in or get up and read and play. We had Christmas dinner to look forward to.
We kept these traditions as we raised our own kids. We have lived close to my parents, so with joy, they have been included in our Christmas celebrations through the years. We have gone to church Christmas Eve, come home to appetizers, the Christmas story, prayer and gifts. Extended family is farther away and sadly we haven’t had the big gatherings for many, many years. That has been missed.
So what has changed or will change? We aren’t attending a church so there will be no service first. I won’t get a new Christmas dress or outfit. My parents will still come Christmas Eve and I will ask my dad to read Luke 2 and either mom or dad will pray. They believe and I respect that and love them. I can hear the story and enjoy the tradition. As I listen I will know that I have changed in my thinking. I will hear it differently and be happy for that.
I collected nativity sets for years. My husband made me a tree to display them. I especially admired their artistry and unique cultural representations. Last year I had no desire to see them or put them up. They triggered an anger in me that I didn’t want to face. I’ve been dealing with that anger. It’s real. But when one chooses to name it and turns to face the anger, it loses its power to cripple you. That’s what happened to me. I could put my nativity tree up this year and would do it if we had room. We bought bigger furniture making more room for family and less room for a second tree. Maybe I will sell my nativity collection. We shall see.
Outwardly there aren’t many changes in Christmas for me. In me there are changes. I am not worried about what my children believe and whether they are saved. I can totally enjoy their growth and thought processes as well as their life choices without an underlying judgment and concern of them going to hell. I can respect our differences including the difference I have with my parents' beliefs. I don’t have to struggle to change anyone’s thinkings or feel guilt for not believing myself.
As a Christian, I believed the family of God was the most important family. God and Jesus were of highest importance and all his children were of next importance, which was emphasized during holidays like Christmas and Easter. Somehow there was a subtle and insidious belief that made my own family and myself less important. I didn’t even grieve the loss of relationship with my brother like I should have, instead leaning into my brothers in Christ to fill the gap. There is no teaching that says don’t love your family or yourself, it’s a subtle message to never let them be too important. I used to think what would God think if I love my family so much, could I be loving them more than him?
It is hard to put words to how the change is. I will just say I am now free to love my family and myself in a new way. Now I can fully open my heart. All of it, instead of filtering it with the Jesus first, others second, yourself last thinking. Somehow I now feel freer to love bigger. To not withhold myself or doubt my love. To accept people where they are. To love my family and accept and love friends as family regardless of their beliefs.
Inner spiritual conflict for me was always part of Christmas. It started with advent. I heard many sermons on preparing my heart for Christmas. I would do the devotionals. I would pray. I would contemplate the birth of Christ and what that meant for the world. I would work on rededicating my heart to adoration and being more attentive to God through the day. Year after year this was a time, along with Easter, where I would be reminded to be more, better and holier. Why the inner conflict? The guilt and sorrow that I never stayed at the place I wanted to be, never totally arrived, that I always longed to be a better Christian.
Now I can relax. I can enjoy being who I am and where I am. I know I can mature and grow and change into a more caring and loving person. But I also know I am that now. I am thankful and don’t feel the pressure to be more and do better. The inner pressure and conflict is gone.
Thanks for reading this as this exChristian contemplates Christmas. What was Christmas like for you? Has it changed? How do your current feelings about faith affect the celebration and time with family? For some holidays are difficult with family being absent or difficult. I read a list of family boundaries and have included it. Hope it can help. Hope you and I can both take time to enjoy Christmas and share love with family and friends!
Val Martens, Nov. 24, 2023
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