An ExChristian talks about comparing. I want to talk this week about comparing. We compare ourselves with those better, which freezes us. We compare our trauma with others which stops us from healing.
I want to start with a poem I found this week. I want to share it with you. The poem is by Donna Ashworth from her book Wild Hope: Healing Words to Find Light on Dark Days.
YOUIER
Imagine if the moon refused to shine
because the sun was shinier
if streams ceased to flow
because the rivers were flowier
if snow didn’t dare to fall
because rain was fallier
if planets did not glow
because stars were glowier
what a world it would be
if nature compared
if flowers didn’t flower
because their neighbours were flowerier
you, my friend, must stop all that folly
no one can be more you
you are youier.
I, and many of you, struggle with waiting and not doing. We wait till we are more skilled and talented, like others we see, until we show our creations. We wait until we are more educated and informed, like others we know, before sharing our opinions. We wait until we can present perfection rather than sharing our efforts even if they are already amazing. We hold back ourselves until we can control our personalities. This comparison of ourselves to those who are better, that freezes our efforts, harms us.
Another place comparing ourselves can be harmful is with our grief, our trauma, pain and troubles. We say my stuff is not so bad, theirs is so much worse so I don’t need to talk about it. Your loss was so much worse, mine is insignificant and not worth troubling about. But our pain is significant and comparison is unhelpful. Or maybe we think our stuff is so much worse than others, it needs to stay hidden. But we need to deal with our stuff so we can be better versions of ourselves, so we can heal.
Why do we do this? Why do we not share ourselves fully. I think it is because we are scared. Scared that rejection or mocking or ridicule will ruin us. Scared of the pain of not being fully seen or the pain of being actually fully seen. If we surround ourselves with people who love us then they will not leave us. They will help heal us with their love.
When we were Christian, the testimonies from those who had converted from dramatic sinful past lives were always somehow better than those who converted as good people. I think maybe I carried that into my exChristian life. I thought my trauma needed to be huge like a pastor who abused me or severe fear and OCD from my religious teaching. But those aren’t my stories. Our stories don’t have to be dramatic to be traumatic.
My pain from being Christian is significant no matter its size. My wounding is significant. My trauma does not need comparing. Like yours and like everyone’s our wounds need looking at and healing. I can be an authentic and a “youier” person because I matter and so do my experiences. So do yours. Let’s stop comparing, work on healing and just be ourselves.
Love from
Val Martens
April 5, 2024
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