Leaving Christianity has been very challenging. Life after deconstruction has been filled with both pain and healing. I am not done with pain, some days are really hard, and I am not done with healing, this will take time. Christianity has affected every part of my life and my perspective on everything. My world view, my self-understanding, finances, decision making, community, mental health, entertainment, music, morals, relationships, sexuality, science, politics and more were all shaped by my Christian faith.
When I deconstructed my faith and settled on a place of deconversion, I found myself disconnected from self, from other people and from the world. My identity was absorbed in the body of Christ and I was taught without Christ I am a lost sinner, hopeless and helpless. I am not alone in this. This leaving has been aptly described as Shattered Faith Syndrome.
Shattered Faith Syndrome is described by Richard Yao in 1987. It includes: chronic guilt, depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, isolation, distrust of other people or groups, aversion to any structure of authority, bitterness and anger over lost time, distressing reoccurrences of fundamentalist consciousness, lack of base social skills, sexual difficulties including guilt and anxiety over sex, typically unable to talk about the past. Much of this fits with how I have felt. It also helps me know I am not alone.
Why, if it is this hard, did I deconstruct? Good question. A main reason is that the teaching of Christianity has too many holes that blind faith had to fill. The blind faith covered up so much cognitive dissonance and confusion and when I took a step back it all fell apart like
a house of cards. What the Bible is and isn’t, personal salvation, hell, abundant life and more became problems I could find no logical or even adequate Biblical solution for. The magical notion of "just believe and then it will make sense" became foggy and blew away. The accompanying freedom of clear thought was dear to me but yet I grieved and went through much turmoil.
So how do I grieve and get through the mess of the process? The first thing for me was to recognize my loss. When I was able to identify the grief, I began to understand why I was feeling the way I was. There are concrete losses such as church community, close conversations with some friends and family and the time I spent in serving. There are also abstract losses of spiritual beliefs, meaning, purpose, goals, identity, loss of perceived safety and support, loss of known moral and behavioural norms and loss of culture.
Secondary losses can include losing a place to celebrate holidays, a place for funerals as well as guilt, shame and self blame. Those with young children would watch children lose friends as well. That hasn't been my issue, but my leaving publicly has affected those I love. There are also losses others don’t recognize. People may respond, “you chose to leave so why are you grieving” or “you’re better off without it” or “just join another church”. Support can be hard to find.
When I found myself in that destabilizing, disorienting place I felt shock and panic. I wanted to reverse and unlearn what I now knew. I tried praying and faith but what actually helped was learning more, reading of others who’ve gone through what I was facing and processing it with understanding people around me.
Adjusting to a new life where my Christian faith is missing was the next step. I found a joy in Sunday mornings. I discovered new relationships with some and deeper conversations with others. I discovered solitude was not the same as loneliness and I could find peace and beauty in that space. I have connected with many people going through this and those times are beautiful.
I now have a new opportunity to withdraw the emotional energy I put into Christianity and invest it in myself first and then into other areas and people. As I become stronger and more confident I can reach out to other people and be a source of hope and help for them. I have hard times, times when I am tired of this all and so sad at the confusion I have caused loved ones. I want to be through the process, and not in the middle of it.
Asking myself lots of questions like what do I want to see in myself in the years ahead, how do I want to grow, and what are my new goals, values and purpose has been helpful. This is a beginning step to reconstructing my new world. I haven't lost my morals but I do rethink and redefine them. For example, judging premarital sex or masturbation as sin (where in the Bible is that anyway?) is something I have left behind.
I have new skills to learn and time to master them. One skill I am working on is learning to process my feelings and emotions versus trying to control or hide them. I have feared my ‘negative’ emotions like anger or grief would get out of control if I allowed them to appear but I have found instead that suppressing them brought deadness and also hid hope, joy and happiness.
There are lots of things that help people heal. For some it is meditating, music, drumming, or dancing. For me painting and creativity have been a huge help. Making new traditions, new symbols of connection, gifts with meaning and interconnections help life feel much richer and meaningful. Writing is amazingly healing as I process life.
As I look at my past with curiosity and compassion, I see the me I was with love and that helps me want to heal and be the person I can be. I can now release the need to disdain or fear the unsaved and the world. I don’t need the black and white thinking of saved and lost, perfection and sinner. People who don’t know Jesus are totally worth knowing and loving. Not having “personal salvation” doesn’t mean my life has no meaning. After deconstruction, there is pain and healing and that is life. I am finding in this life-changing process this world is beautiful and amazing and mine. Changing my perspective has gotten easier and bit by bit I am being reconstructed in a beautiful and free way.
Read My Faith Deconstruction Story here. More articles are found here
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